citrusjava: (Default)
Someone asked me for some, and I know very few.
Any fandom - actually, even bad fics would be appreciated.
Better still if they involve things other than bondage/pain.

Thank you!

Dom!Misha

Oct. 20th, 2015 03:26 am
citrusjava: (Default)
In cae there was any doubt Misha was into that, after the s8 gag reel!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frUkFPYYiS4
citrusjava: (Default)
Title: It Ain't Me
Pairing: Dean/Soulless!Sam
Words: 555
Warnings/kinks: D/s, dub con, sub drop, aftercare
Summary: kansaskissedlips wanted Soulless Sam experiencing sub drop

This Sam slips into subbing for Dean almost naturally. Dean shakes his head to himself, bitter with self loathing. Nothing natural about this Sam.

He takes Dean’s orders willingly, though Dean is constantly on edge, waiting for the one - the crucial one - this Sam won’t take. Knows Sammy better than to expect him to just remain Dean’s obedient pet. This Sam brings Dean moral dilemmas that make Dean’s blood run cold. But he does bring them to Dean now. Wants to learn. Wants Dean to be pleased. Asks for Dean’s guidance - I’m not supposed to laugh, right? - and Dean hates that this thrills him with warmth. A disgusting part of him likes that. Sammy looking up to him again.

It doesn’t take much then, to get Dean to want it too. To agree to do it. Tilt Sam’s face up to look at Dean, much too collected until Dean punches it out of him, and Sam’s expression softens between pulses of pleasure. Sam on his knees, head thrown back and moaning when Dean tells him to be good for Dean, to swallow Dean down. Sam is good, throat working, little moans vibrating up Dean’s cock, each one almost making Dean lose his footing. He looks down at this boy he loves, that Dean is using, this monster looking up him needily, that Dean should never want, should never want, and Dean comes, like crashing his car, and he can’t tell for whom.

Dean pulls out unceremoniously, slumps on his bed, rubs a hand over his face.

Sam, this Sam, is right up and off to take a shower, efficient. Dean’s Sam would have made im talk about it.

Dean leans back on the dubious comforter, allows himself to get lost in gloom.

It takes a while for him to notice the shower had stopped running, but Sam is not coming out.

“Sam?”

Nothing. Dean grabs his gun without a thought, moves silently aginst the wall, towards the bathroom door. Always safety procedures.

“Sammy?” he pushes the door open. Nothing. Looks in, and Sam is crouched against the shower’s wall, smaller than should be possible for a wall of merciless muscle.

“What’s going on?”

Sam lifts his face towards Dean, looking heartbreakingly confused.

“ Dean, I feel like I’m empty”. Sam’s face twitches in what looks like pain, eyes lost and round. Dean clamps down on the urge to tell this Sam he should feel empty, that he is empty.

Places a hand on Sam’s shoulder, just means to get him out of the shower. “Come on”. But Sam’s truly shivering, Dean knows it’s real.

At the touch, Sam grabs Dean hand, breath hitching, holds it to his shoulder with both his hands. He is shaking stronger.

“Sam?” Dean places a hand on Sam’s head, and Sam melts into it. “Dean, what’s happening?”.

Dean doesn’t know, but he knows his brother. He runs his fingers through Sam’s damp air, and Sam lets out a long soft sigh, almost nonexistent breath, and rests against it. Dean guides Sam’s head to his shoulder, hand sliding down to rest soothingly on Sam’s back, trailing comforting circles. Sam hides his face in Dean’s chest, breath slowly evening out. “Shh, shh. It’s all right, Sammy”.

And for that moment, just then, it really is.
citrusjava: (Default)
This is for [livejournal.com profile] nagasasu 's promt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Images aren't mine - linking back to where they're from.
[this is personal and intimate information. Read on only if you are comfortable being exposed to that, and if you appreciate and respect me sharing that, please.]


A few months ago, I realized I have this major thing for Praise Kink, which at the time was even more mind blowing to me, because it was a non-sexual thing. It was this new realization and it really rattled me. I walked around for a while in a constant state of being mind blown. How could this move me so deeply? How could I not have known, not even have imagined needing this?



It was somewhat like the first time I was (role play only) kissed by a guy as a guy. Then I went around for a couple of days just burning with it, feeling like I owned the world, and like I wanted to gobble it all up. It was life changing. But then it was sexual. I was turned on, in love with my own theoretical dick, I suddenly understood all those jackass guys who consider their cock the best thing in creation.




This was a lot like that, but it wasn't sexual. It was this big need, revelation. I kept thinking about it, experiencing it, craving it. I was (extremely) lucky to have a partner willing to give it a try, and that was amazing. And I was also very lucky to have a friend to talk it over with (you know who you are - thank you :)) . It seriously didn't go smoothly, plenty of misunderstandings and bumps in the road. And because it meant so much to me, and because I'm apparently more sensitive than I used to be, those hurt a lot.



It's still a thing I'm figuring out and exploring, but the major need for it has subsided. It somehow became more about subbing - a need I've kinda touched upon in the past, but never got to explore, I was almost always a Dom, and while I did is partially out of curiosity, as something fun or sexy, and to a small extent because it answered some need in me - generally I did it as a nice thing for other people. That was probably not the very best idea for me, I'm not good enough at being in touch with my own needs and boundaries to be safe doing that. And the people I played with didn't realize as a Dom I still needed to be safe and needed to be cared for. It's not an easy thing to do, though, I admit.


I like not having to Dom, though I believe that I do have that drive in me. Wanting to take someone apart and find out what's inside, wanting to get them in touch with their vulnerability, to get to see all that beauty, get them in touch with their pain, and make it better, to whatever extent I can, in a session, wanting to sooth, wanting to have things my way with out having to worry about every little thing (which is bullshit, Domming is all about exactly that, in many cases), wanting to know how to do something well, to have clear rules, clear communication about what works, how and why, wanting to feel in control, perhaps, though I believe it's more about my need to please, to do well, to get things right .





Subbing is a need I certainly feel, these days. It has to do with how helpless I feel most of the time, probably. My need to be reassured, to allow myself to be weak, unable, to be loved when I'm seriously not strong. It also probably has to do with reclaiming sexual violence for my own, as something - as sort of a way to make it better, to fix it...

And it's a way to get the negotiation, communication, legitimacy to say no, mutual attentiveness and carefulness that I need in any sexual/non-sexual such encounter, but is harder for me to insist on in "regular" sex. Not that I really have any of that, anymore.



I've recently started dating someone, and though I like her and am attracted to her, I found that I seriously don't want to actually have sex. Perhaps it's cause it's just a touchy subject for me. I've been assaulted several times, and in addition, I just wasn't aware that I "was allowed to" say no to sex I didn't actively want, "just because" of my feelings. Still working on that. I feel a little uncomfortable writing about that, because it takes my experiences away from me. It's such a stereotype, and I'm not sure the cliches are right about me. I need my experiences to stay belonging to me, and not be co-opted for either side of the pro/anti sex wars. Perhaps for other reasons.




Regardless, I've been wondering whether I want sex-sex at all. I don't know, not sure. I like some things, mostly making out things, though some of them are more sensual than sexual. But not only, that I know for sure. And I like them perhaps only with people I'm very very close with. ATM, there's no one I'd feel comfortable touching me sexually beyond that. And as for penetration - I asked myself about it, and the thought of never ever having to be penetrated again made me so happy and turned on I masturbated to it. Sharing this cause it amuses me. Don't know whether I'll always feel that way, but that isn't as relevant - feeling that way now/.




I wondered whether perhaps I was asexual after all, but from what I've read on AVEN, it's not about wanting or not wanting to have actual sex, but about being o not being sexually attracted to anyone. And I am definitely attracted to people, I just don't seem to want to have sex with them. Someone on the forums described it as the difference between enjoying the smell of coffee and wanting to actually drink coffee. I get that with croissants and fresh bread and popcorn. They smell so amazing, but I mostly don't enjoy eating them. Definitely not as much as I imagine enjoying them when i smell them. Not sure I'm writing off the asexuality thing, I definitely feel I'm *something*, but perhaps for now I need to figure out more what I feel and need ...
citrusjava: (Default)
Title: Celebrate You, Baby
Author: CitrusJava
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Rating: light R? How do you rate kink?
Words: 1470
Warnings/kinks: Praise kink, light d/s, rushed, unbetaed
Notes: Set during Tall Tales. This is me day 2, season 2 entry for the 8 Days of Wincest Challenge.
Special thanks to [livejournal.com profile] balder12, who introduced me to the fantastic concept of praise kink. There's all sorts of other kinks in there, that I don't have names for. Tell me, if you have them.
(more notes in the end)

Summary: They both threw themselves into this stupid fight instead of talking. But Sam needs Dean to look at him the way he does.
Sam never talks about )
citrusjava: (Default)
Sleepy realization: practically no one know about praise kink ("you've been o good"), but practically everybody knows about shaming/punishment and such ("You've been a bad boy"). Hm.

Also, I love this, cause it's like "don't play Stairway to Heaven", it's one of those reactions apparently a lot of people have, but isn't obvious.



*Sounds like a Gilmore Girls episode name.
Only not.
citrusjava: (Default)




I say it's time for a kink-based friending meme. People often travel across fandom and ship lines for a favorite kink. Talking about kinks is such a fun thing to do. Kinks can be so meaningful, deep, can be fun and simple, can bring so much joy. Why not friend based on that?

I hardly know anybody on LJ (though some of the people I know, I care a lot about).
So unless you spread the word, it's just gonna be me and my kinks. Which isn't that bad, actually. Tell everyone! Copy and paste the code in the box under one of the banners to your journal to spread the word. Below are some banners I made. If anybody feels like making better, more inclusive ones (more fandoms, more kinks, more sorts of people), that'd be cool, let me know and I'll add them to this post.

No kink-shaming, please.
And you don't have to feel obligated to answer all the questions.

Questions!


ETA: Hey, I'm having a thought. I'm really enjoying the conversations here. I feel like opening a kink discussion group. For fun discussion of stuff we like, are curious about, getting inspired by other people's kinks, just all sorts of that.
Perhaps open posting as well as having a specific topic or question to play with every week. Is anyone interested?




Kinky friendly banners! )
citrusjava: (Default)
I'll admit this doesn't describe my whole experience, to me it is more complex than that, but this is sweet and lovely and true. Reminds me of Adrienne Rich.

citrusjava: (Default)
Title: Try to Do it as Beautifully
Fandom: Supernatural
Relationship: Sam/Dean, mention of John/Dean, be it real or fantasized
Rating: R
Warnings/kinks: BDSM, role playing, daddy kink, angst, h/c, mention of underage, mention of possible non-con or dub-con. Unbetad. Slight spoilers for mid season 8.
Word count: 300
Disclaimer: this is fanwork, written with love

Summary: Dean is there, and Dean needs.

Dean's eyes are transparent and breakable, hurt shimmering between the shards.

Sam forces Dean's head back, pulls hard on his too-short hair, makes him lose balance. Then slides his palm down to cover the back of Dean's neck. Dean chokes back a small frightened sound, tiny uncontrollable flinch, pupils dilating, Sam's palm the only thing stopping him from falling. Dean's shoulder blades strain unnaturally, neck stretching too far, then softening to accommodate Sam's angle.

Dean's eyes are anchored to Sam's while the rest of Dean is thrashing in the winds.

"Please, Dad, please, Sir" Dean begs.

Sam wants to punch John in the face so hard.

Been wanting to since the first time Dean did this, fucked up on pain and Jack for stitching, Dad off on a hunt and Sam's fingers in Dean's hair.

Sam hadn’t known whether John ever touched Dean like that, or just left him starved enough, desperate enough for affection. But he'd known he was going to fix it. That certainty he could do anything, and would do anything for Dean. Hadn't felt it since Jess. Since he stopped drinking demon blood.

Sam still doesn't know. Dean quivering at his feet, in the warm light of their art-deco lamp, Dean's shoulders misleadingly broad. Sam wonders if anyone did this for Dean in Purgatory. Tells himself he hopes Benny did. When he takes in Dean's expression, devotion and hesitant desperation, Sam more honestly hopes Benny did. No matter how many times they do this, Dean's expression still pushes Sam off balance.

So hard, he wants to punch Dad, so hard.

But just like the first time, Dad is gone and Dean is here, and Dean needs.

So he shoves his cock, hard, down Dean's throat.

And Dean's eyes flutter shut, soft moan, and his face finally relaxes.


Notes: Inspired by this, with thanks to [livejournal.com profile] big_heart_june, for pointing to it and to all the pretty.
Title from a Mother Teresa quote: "There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that's why we try to do it as beautifully as possible".

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