citrusjava: (Default)
I just realized something!

I was watching Jane the Virgin - there was a bit of character trivia added a few eps ago a character's alarm clock ) - and I kept telling myself - no way, can't be sure it was only introduced then - could be from way way back! And I kept telling myself - how way back, this is a newish show! But then I kept feeling that I couldn't know no way no way etc - and sure could be wrong - bt this is probably because

I'm a frigging SPN fun
citrusjava: (Default)
Hey there, lovely people! :)
You are so awesome, and thank you for stopping by!

There are some posts here from long ago, that I reposted with LJ - I am not sure what they include, tbh, so sorry if there are any forgotten monsters there waiting to snap at you heels or do your nails or idk

I'm planning on posting here again, at least for a while, but haven't in ages. My About is freshly written, and probably some good things to know....
If you'd like to check out my style of rambling weird, pet peeves and tags with typos, check out LJ, Tumblr or maybe AO3 :)

Actually, maybe I'll post a thing or two here now, from there....
citrusjava: (Default)
I am feeling lonely and sad, and the winter holidays coming remind me of how lonely I was last Christmas (it was good to be on my own with my boundaries, but also very alone, and it was one of the coldest winters), and ok - maybe I shouldn't be writing about that now....

Anyway - I'm gonna tray to do the Snowflake Challenge - they did say no deadline, so!

Day 1

In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you have created. It can be your favorite fanworks that you've created, or fanworks you feel no one ever saw, or fanworks you say would define you as a creator. Leave a comment in this post saying you did it. Include a link to your post if you feel comfortable doing so.

Return is one of my most important fics for me. A lot of my soul is in it, and for me it is one of my best and most meaningful. I might have though of it as bad or unworthy, but it is almost impossible to do with enthusiastic encouragement like [ profile] kalliel's (THANK YOU, you amazing person, whenever you read this! <3)
Pairing: background Dean/Sam
Rating: gen
Summary: Outsiders would tell you, sometimes tell her at toll booths or rest stops, that she is fat, and hairy, and old. Some people call her things for that. She has many names.

Save You from the Dragons is one of the very first podfics I'd managed to complete editing (because editing is made of torturous hell). I was still so naive, at awe and in love with this show, my show.... I'd recorded some other podfics trying to please my recipient(s) and forcing myself a little bit too far off of where I was comfortable with.
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: pg-13
Summary: During Sam's demon blood detox, he talks.
Warnings: background canon forced withdrawal, written as fluffy

Then there are Celebrate You, Baby and Try to Do it as Beautifully
citrusjava: (Default)
Me: *looks at post from a few days ago*

Me: *rereads*

Me: *looks some more*

Me: I don’t understand what this has to do with the new SPN ep.

Me: Oh, that’s the date.
citrusjava: (Default)
*casually clicks into Tumblr*
*realizes my mistake*
*raises hands*
Woah, woah, nothing bad needs to happen, we're all friends here, I'm just going to
*backs out carefully with no sharp movements*
*closes tab*
Nothing (new) horribly spoiled.
citrusjava: (Default)
Onooooooo , it's speak Russian to your followers day....
I suck at languages so bad....

Дин и Сэм в любви
citrusjava: (Default)
I've been trying to do the thing and tell people about my problems, inabilities and fears, for all they feel like horrifying sins, for all \i have trouble expressing them and sometimes people don't understand or say things that break me down even more, or blame me, or use my vulnerability against me, for all it's sometimes legit dangerous for me. More than that, though, some people have been truly - friends, caring, understanding, or just there for me. Even just saying small things like - that it's not my fault, or making me laugh, or sending me a hug, or saying that I'm not just imagining things or that I'm not just making a huge deal out of something silly, or that it is ok to get angry, or that it is ok to be unable. Some of you have been those people, are those people, and even some of the first people to be there for my first steps of trying to share, and have been so incredibly meaningful for me in that (and other things, too 3) -
of course I have a long long way still to go, but fuck, that has made and still makes a huge difference in my life. Thank you. You know, even just that it is ok to ask for help or to be supported by anyone, that that is not a sin, not a horrible thing to do to them in essence (of course saying no is an important option).

There has been a lot of talk lately about support - and you are being so wonderful for me, and you make a huge difference.
citrusjava: (Default)

full meme | my thread

This is such an adorable idea, much needed and just fitting
citrusjava: (Default)
Sweeties, I'm also thinking a lot about Jared (and loving him a lot)
I feel maybe fandom needs a bit of comfort right now, too

Remember - Jared was really brave, and reached out. He half-did it a few days ago, asking anyone on Facebook at that moment to write to him about good things that SPN brought to their lives, and then he did it seriously and directly. That is so brave and trusting, especially involving fandom like this. This is already a very good thing to do to keep safe and get better, finding people who love him and asking for their support. And what's better - he has people, so many people who love him. He has Gen with him, Danneel is helping with the kids, Jensen keeps calling him, and probably others, too. He gets several messages a minute of love and support from fandom, and he said many times in the past that those mean so much for him.

He is clearly going through something rough. I don't know what exactly, but I suppose the season they shot, and the thing that happened to his friend a few months back, are not helpful. I'm guessing he's been holding it
together through finishing shooting. Regardless, it's rough.

But it will get better. And he knows it will get better, and he know that even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment. He knows it isn't his fault and he knows we don't blame him for it, either (or he does if he read anything - which I am certain he has). He knows he is very loved. That won't solve everything, but it helps. Not being isolated, knowing you are loved and having people around you for support, people who take it seriously and also don't blame you or panic, is so important. I wish the support system he has (and should have!) on anyone with MI.

Thanks to his campaign he knows he has a whole lot of support, and he knows more about depression, knows what to expect, knows it will get better. And Gen probably knows that too, he mentioned she was very involved in the campaign.

You guys, I know that the messages and support are meaningful and helpful for him. They are comforting and distracting. He took time off. He is surrounded with people who love him annd who know he needs help. He is taking care of himself like he's been telling all of us to do, and he is also being taken care of by loved ones.

Sweeties, I'm sure he really is moved by everyone's support and that it truly helps. It will get better.
citrusjava: (Default)
I don't have the time to get into the complexity of fandom and of Night Vale this can bring up, but this one was too tempting to not even comment on. Also, procrastination is a great drive.

Title: Subject
Fanadom: Welcome to Night Vale, (Hockey RPF, fandom)
Characters: Malik, original fan character
Words: 150
Rating: gen
Spoilers: WtNV Homecoming

Summary: Night Vale is a good place for fandom

Ze'd gif the sweet little ways they looked at each other, touched each other across boundaries of masculinity. )
citrusjava: (Default)
Gonna need to give that dude's show another try. I want us to be friends.

“I like the slash, and I think I like it because I feel there are so many people who are under-represented—or not represented at all—in mainstream Hollywood entertainment. I really enjoy the fan fiction that embraces character and themes that showcase those people—their love, their desires, their passions.

“I think that’s really cool—and I hope the show as it continues embraces that more, because that’s an opportunity to tell stories that other people might not be familiar with. I mean, there’s slash of me and Ichabod… that’s like, ‘What?!’ and then I read it and it was really well-written.

“I get it—it’s another way to go but it’s no less valid than what we’re doing and it’s certainly interesting, so I really get a kick out of that. To read fan fiction and to see fan art and to watch other people’s artistry paint different colors on top of what we’re doing… how can you be mad at that? That’s just completely awesome!”
citrusjava: (Default)
All the cool kids are doing the movie meme. Which is cool - 10 movies that somehow resonate or express who you are, where you are as a person now. But there are such few movies that I feel resonate much about me - I wanna do this with fic! I really hope the authors see this as compliments. What I'm saying is - this really resonated with me, touched me and stayed with me.
This is very far from being a comprehensive list.

Meme text:
Choose 10(ish) fics or other fan creations that resonate with who you are right now, as a person.
Optional: Add a work or two that you created, that do the same.

Credit in the Straight World by [ profile] vaingirlfic, podfic by [ profile] ann_ciudad
Needs Must by [ profile] thatotherperv, podfic by [ profile] dodificus
or Hands in my Hair, podfic by [ profile] anna_unfolding
Into the World Breathes Life , by [ profile] checkthemargins podfic by [ profile] heardtheowl
The Fetters of Fenrir by Leonidaslion
Odysseus, American by [ profile] coyotesuspect, podfic by [ profile] zempasuchil
Little Earthquakes by ProphecyGirl, BtVS
Only Sweeter by [ profile] rivkat, podfic by [ profile] yourrighteye
Fic by [ profile] balder12, particularly when Sam's prominent.
This is All Very Meta by [ profile] road_rhythm, podfic by [ profile] applegeuse
Leader of the Pack by [ profile] astolat
(ahh, so many others more!)

Also gonna choose two by me -
Try to Do it As Beautifully
and When She Talks, I Hear the Revolution, also podfic

ETA: If anyone feels like doing this too - of course, go for it! If you feel like it, leave a link in the comments, I'd like to read it!
citrusjava: (Default)
Playing with things our way, reclaiming them, sometimes feminizing them (whatever that means) - particularly things made for boys...

The original(?) story is cool too, click to read.

citrusjava: (Default)
In some of my older fandoms, we used to try to convince, make a case for our boys being heartbroken when their boys left them and such. In so many of today's fandoms - it's canon. I really like that. Guys can be meaningful to each other in canon, can be life partners even.

It leaves the argument to be about whether or not it's a loving sexual relationship, or an awesome non-sexual partnership - and I love both options a whole lot.
citrusjava: (Default)
This is for [ profile] cantarina1 's prompt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Image isn't mine - linking back to where it's from.

I love podfic for so many reasons. These are only a few. First, the community around it seems to be really cool, a lot of awesome people. I had the pleasure of meeting some wonderful people through podfic, such as [ profile] nickelmountain and [ profile] applegeuse/ I like that the community is pretty socially aware, and friendly, and open to experimentation. I think I'd like to get to know the community better.

My early days in podfic
Last year I fell head over heels, deeply, for Dean, Sam, Jensen and Jared. With podfic, they were with me a lot of the time - some of the most amazing, best stories of the fandom going with me, holding my hand, inspiring me, fascinating, shocking, turning me on, making me fall for the characters and the fandom more, too, getting to know them better. It was meaningful, still is. It was about them and about fandom and about myself.

I react to the fic in my ears. I have laughed, gasped, stopped to just breathe with scenes that had a lot of impact. On the bus, on the street, at the shop, at uni, at the library - I'm that freak. But it's fun to care about what I'm listening to, and why not allow myself to smile or laugh or even cry, without having to explain myself to people. And it's good to have an option to have this thing going that is mine, and disconnected from where I am or what I'm experiencing. You can call it a safe word, only it's often for things I never consented to to begin with. You can call it escapism, but that's only partially true. IMO. Perhaps call it a lifeline (sometimes).

More personal reasons
Podfic is mobile home, comfort, a place to hide, something that reminds me of part of myself. A sanctuary of subjectivity. A sort of resistance, even if just for me. Gives me strength to deal, gives me a sort of armor sometimes.

There's a particular street where I'm always sexually harassed and/or harassed for being fat. When I have to walk there, I need podfic in my headphones. When I'd flee from fights with family, and just wander around outside feeling helpless, I held onto podfic - for balance, for perspective, or just to cope - for good or bad.. Something good before I had to go back and face things.

When I had to go to my mom's house, last time before we stopped talking, I was seriously scared. I listened to podfic. In my mind, I went in with fandom-Jensen, with his caring attitude and that empathic charm in his smiling eyes, holding my hand, and fandom-Jared - bouncy sweet and smart, protective and earnest and silly , holding the other. I made it through that.

A couple of months ago, uni decided to force people to show picture ID in order to get into campus. I don't want to, since it feels intrusive, and I want to be an ally to people whose ID can endanger them, and also - being genderqueer, my ID doesn't have the right gender on it. And I hate hate hate having to present it. So every time I needed to get into campus, I'd have to go through an intentionally draining and somewhat humiliating process with campus police. I started dreading going to uni. Perhaps I'll just skip this class, or I don't have the energy to go through that just to get to the library. Podfic was something to get me there, to give me the energy and comfort to still do it.

One of the reasons it works for me, is - It's an imagined ally, I can pretend to myself that those people would have understood my weird ramblings about gender or whatever, that I have that, have someone like that. It's something to hold onto, and that's meaningful, thta can make the difference. For me. It's the main reason I am still not over, still talking about real-Jensen's attitude about bisexuality.

Readers <3
With some readers, it feels intimate - sharing the love for the story or the characters. I love hearing emotion in readers' voices, and I often like it when they are "present" rather than "transparent", like that they share with me something of them. The character's feelings that they identify with, or their feelings about the story. And it's not about how bouncy the reading is - some very subtle readings convey so much beautiful emotion. And then other readers let the story be most noticeable, just give it space, clean. I don't notice their reading, they allow me to dive into the story and forget that it's just fic. Which is very generous, respectful - a gift. Those readers make space for me as a listener to be attentive to the story, the characters, the way the story makes me feel, sometimes. To listen to myself or lose the world in it.

Some readers make all the difference.

Still, I often don't know how to give feedback to readers, especially since my taste is basically my quirks. Probably shouldn't say "I really enjoyed how you stumbled over your words when the plot became dramatic, it was real, sweet, and I identified with you", "I didn't notice your reading at all! Thank you" or even "I've come to associate your voice with good things" - and I'm never sure whether people would want to hear how sexy I find their reading or voice, so mostly just I shut up about that.

On a different note - Happy birthday!
citrusjava: (Default)
Haven't posted in a couple of days, I have some real life updates but don't feel like writing them up now. So some of the smaller things.

~One of the friends who used to make faces at me for loving Wincest finally got back to watching SPN (she is towards the end of season 1), and came back with "there was one scene in which I was just sure they were going to kiss. I get it now. It was so intimate and beautiful" :D
Not that she's a shipper now, but aww.

~Cherry flavored beer is disgusting. OTOH, I am told, it's alcoholic. And not as disgusting as banana or coconut flavored beer.

~Wrote a short assignment about Melville's I and My Chimney. Main issue was trying to find ways to describe blowjobs and m/m anal sex in simple, accessible, yet academically dignified language. Had to resist the urge to write the entire paper in puns.

~I have the flu, and everything smells like cake. Cruel and unusual, as now I want cake. Oh well, there are worst things to crave as fic taught us.

~The subject of bachelorhood came up in class, with Watson as an example. Which led me to research Watson's marriages a bit - turns out there are theories making a case for any number of marriages between 1-6!

~Embarrassingly said in class I was pretty sure the Holmes stories were published 30 years before Dorian Gray, and lost credibility for the whole marriage thing. I *am* pretty sure I read that, cause I was really disappointed it was so long apart. OTOH, glad that's not the case.

~Running for student government. It turns out. I should probably put a stop to it. Remember that scene from Gilmore Girls in which Jackson is elected? ;)
*hums Walking on Air*

~Apparently, my main settings when it comes to GF being sad: "wanna talk about it?", "it'll be all right", "you're right, it's hard", acting normal, going insane or making soup. GF doesn't want to talk, doesn't want me to act normal, and doesn't want soup.

~Luckily, there is podfic.


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March 2017

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