citrusjava: (Default)

I too enjoyed discovering Dean's puppy look. But one thing I find interesting about it is that probably the reason we're only seeing it now is that Dean didn't use to get things through that with Sam. He used to tell Sam. He used to argue. Sometimes get worried. Sometimes get lied to or kept out. But not this sort of negotiation. It might be a sign Dean perceives them as more equal now .
citrusjava: (Default)
Title: Really, Don't Give Yourself Away
Ship: Sam/Dean, of course
Rating: gen
Warnings: hell

"Give him back" he said, and hell stormed around them. "You have no claim on his soul, he gave it to me first".

The demon looked him up and down, unconcerned. One of those new gay humans, if the muscles were any indication, come to claim his husband. "Kid," she said, and there was kindness in her voice along with the menace. "Even if he is yours, it's only 'till death parts you'. And that will be taken care of in the next few minutes. So you and us - we've got no conflict here".

"Oh", he said, his mouth curling up in something that was not a smile, and adjusted his grip on the axe. "we're not married. He's my brother. He'd never make a stupid promise like that".

Notes: was just thinking about how marriage is commonly considered the strongest possible bond... like there couldn't be anything stronger or better... or different...
citrusjava: (Default)
This is for [ profile] nagasasu 's promt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Images aren't mine - linking back to where they're from.
[this is personal and intimate information. Read on only if you are comfortable being exposed to that, and if you appreciate and respect me sharing that, please.]

A few months ago, I realized I have this major thing for Praise Kink, which at the time was even more mind blowing to me, because it was a non-sexual thing. It was this new realization and it really rattled me. I walked around for a while in a constant state of being mind blown. How could this move me so deeply? How could I not have known, not even have imagined needing this?

It was somewhat like the first time I was (role play only) kissed by a guy as a guy. Then I went around for a couple of days just burning with it, feeling like I owned the world, and like I wanted to gobble it all up. It was life changing. But then it was sexual. I was turned on, in love with my own theoretical dick, I suddenly understood all those jackass guys who consider their cock the best thing in creation.

This was a lot like that, but it wasn't sexual. It was this big need, revelation. I kept thinking about it, experiencing it, craving it. I was (extremely) lucky to have a partner willing to give it a try, and that was amazing. And I was also very lucky to have a friend to talk it over with (you know who you are - thank you :)) . It seriously didn't go smoothly, plenty of misunderstandings and bumps in the road. And because it meant so much to me, and because I'm apparently more sensitive than I used to be, those hurt a lot.

It's still a thing I'm figuring out and exploring, but the major need for it has subsided. It somehow became more about subbing - a need I've kinda touched upon in the past, but never got to explore, I was almost always a Dom, and while I did is partially out of curiosity, as something fun or sexy, and to a small extent because it answered some need in me - generally I did it as a nice thing for other people. That was probably not the very best idea for me, I'm not good enough at being in touch with my own needs and boundaries to be safe doing that. And the people I played with didn't realize as a Dom I still needed to be safe and needed to be cared for. It's not an easy thing to do, though, I admit.

I like not having to Dom, though I believe that I do have that drive in me. Wanting to take someone apart and find out what's inside, wanting to get them in touch with their vulnerability, to get to see all that beauty, get them in touch with their pain, and make it better, to whatever extent I can, in a session, wanting to sooth, wanting to have things my way with out having to worry about every little thing (which is bullshit, Domming is all about exactly that, in many cases), wanting to know how to do something well, to have clear rules, clear communication about what works, how and why, wanting to feel in control, perhaps, though I believe it's more about my need to please, to do well, to get things right .

Subbing is a need I certainly feel, these days. It has to do with how helpless I feel most of the time, probably. My need to be reassured, to allow myself to be weak, unable, to be loved when I'm seriously not strong. It also probably has to do with reclaiming sexual violence for my own, as something - as sort of a way to make it better, to fix it...

And it's a way to get the negotiation, communication, legitimacy to say no, mutual attentiveness and carefulness that I need in any sexual/non-sexual such encounter, but is harder for me to insist on in "regular" sex. Not that I really have any of that, anymore.

I've recently started dating someone, and though I like her and am attracted to her, I found that I seriously don't want to actually have sex. Perhaps it's cause it's just a touchy subject for me. I've been assaulted several times, and in addition, I just wasn't aware that I "was allowed to" say no to sex I didn't actively want, "just because" of my feelings. Still working on that. I feel a little uncomfortable writing about that, because it takes my experiences away from me. It's such a stereotype, and I'm not sure the cliches are right about me. I need my experiences to stay belonging to me, and not be co-opted for either side of the pro/anti sex wars. Perhaps for other reasons.

Regardless, I've been wondering whether I want sex-sex at all. I don't know, not sure. I like some things, mostly making out things, though some of them are more sensual than sexual. But not only, that I know for sure. And I like them perhaps only with people I'm very very close with. ATM, there's no one I'd feel comfortable touching me sexually beyond that. And as for penetration - I asked myself about it, and the thought of never ever having to be penetrated again made me so happy and turned on I masturbated to it. Sharing this cause it amuses me. Don't know whether I'll always feel that way, but that isn't as relevant - feeling that way now/.

I wondered whether perhaps I was asexual after all, but from what I've read on AVEN, it's not about wanting or not wanting to have actual sex, but about being o not being sexually attracted to anyone. And I am definitely attracted to people, I just don't seem to want to have sex with them. Someone on the forums described it as the difference between enjoying the smell of coffee and wanting to actually drink coffee. I get that with croissants and fresh bread and popcorn. They smell so amazing, but I mostly don't enjoy eating them. Definitely not as much as I imagine enjoying them when i smell them. Not sure I'm writing off the asexuality thing, I definitely feel I'm *something*, but perhaps for now I need to figure out more what I feel and need ...
citrusjava: (Default)
Heh, sister and I got asked today how long we'd been together (they had to ask me three times till I understood what they were saying, LOL). Which reminded me - I'd forgotten we used to get that question a lot a couple of years back. puts all those Winchester scenes in a different perspective. Though I insist that choosing to include them, and so many of them, in a text, means a whole lot :)

Every night, for the past couple of nights, and I suspect before that too, two small lizards meet at a certain spot near the ceiling and chat, making small noises that first drew my attention to them. That is so cute.

Oh, look at all the pretties [ profile] stir_of_echoes made!

It's interesting to me that Dean was the one directed to be more dominant, and Sam the one submitting, here, unlike in later seasons. In almost all of Dean's love/sex scenes in later seasons - and from what I've seen, almost all of Jensen's - stands there and experiences, gets kissed, gets touched, and reacts so beautifully I just- OK, back on track, me.I notice that in a lot of older fics Dean is considered "the obvious top". Did that change after that Sam/Ruby scene? Or unrelated?

I'm generally not a fan of the top/bottom discussion, I don't like that it links so many characteristics and relationship elements to a preference of position. Especially not when it's also linked to "being the girl", which bothers me from every one of my genders, and as a trans person too. ot to mention, having to define yourself according to your partner/force your partner to define themselves a way they don't like to keep your identity.

That said, when I disconnect it from the stereotypes and think about it as play, I like the role playing around it, like the negotiations it sometimes comes with, like the identity issues it brings up (and even more when they're Sam's, cause that's rarer), and most of all love having a variety of depictions. Since it's linked to so many things, it's lovely to be able to see the different sides of the boys in different stories, or even better - in the same stories. And it's awesome there there is so much fic in which there is definitely no clear top/bottom. I just love that there are many options, that are all considered in character.


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