citrusjava: (Default)
Rating: soft R
Pairing(s): Read more... )
Spoilers: up to and including 11x14
Warnings: Read more... )Read more... )
Summary: At least Lucifer was never the only monster living in Sam's head.

coming is better than that. Anything is better than that
Read more... )
citrusjava: (Default)
Rating: soft R
Pairing(s): Sam/Lucifer, Sam/Dean
Spoilers: up to and including 11x14
Warnings: ptsd, past rape, not exactly comfort in your h/c, self loathing, shamealso - this can be read as very anti Dean. I don't exactly men it that way, it's a story of a moment, not the whole picture. But if that bothers you - be warned.
Summary: At least Lucifer was never the only monster living in Sam's head.

That night, alone, Sam dared to look, to touch the thought -

Had Dean not been in trouble that moment, 'gotta save Dean', to carry him through that moment....



In Sam again. Touching him, making him scream.

Felt like the end of everything. No point fighting anymore, never was.

Distraction from the stark dread and hopelessness, had him reaching into his pants.

Coming is better than that. Self loathing means there is at least someone there. Anything is better. Disgust. It should be disgust. Shame. Being like this - being turned on by this, he'd mostly forgiven himself that. Been turned on by worse.

But he deserved no forgiveness for being Lucifer's bitch.

Ten seconds around him topside and Lucifer in him again.

It wasn't even compulsion - he might recognize compulsion, might be able to work with it.
This was not even that.

A moment around him and Sam was offering his soul to him, take it, take it, please.

It was like Stanford, like Sam could fight it. It wasn't even compulsion. The world would rearrange itself to make things right. Nothing about Sam mattered but who he was made for.

Self loathing added an edge, sticky on his hand.

What if Dean called through Sam's door, came in. What if Dean held Sam’s face, held Sam through it. What if Dean kissed Sam and told him he was worth living. Was Dean’s. Again, like he once used to ....

Sam curled around the thought, around his bunched up blanket.

He had always, every moment of his life, been a bit more Dean's.

citrusjava: (Default)
Did Sam really just say "Do you want to talk about it?" to Dean friggin Winchester?
Is Sam the new vessel?
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The Karin's POV - life of enslavement, being forced to kill and kill, and no hunters are gonna save hir. Only those idiots addressing hir by the name of hir species, reciting accusations based on three
minutes with Wiki like they can actually understand


Kinda want Mellssa to find Becky and start a coven or a Bachelor viewing group or just - you know, something involving happies and ice cream and support!
It's a little bit weird for me that they did pretty similar things (though hers was maybe more understandable ) , and the show treated them so so very differently....


IDK, I liked Gladys. I don't know why she was there at all, plot-wise. Maybe she has her own reasons. Maybe not. I'd like to know.


You know I want Wincest - kissing, important talk - there raw material there for some good fics!
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(criticism in the first paragraph, but bottom line I loved)

Hey, I actually kinda loved the ep!
I mean, I recognized the writers pretty much for sure by the name and the teaser, so my expectations were very low (and they didn't disappoint, with the delightful women killing, totally cool to be schtuping your let's assume of age employee who totally wanted it and apparently had no connections but you , dude berating a woman for not being enough of a feminist)


BUT! I lover the rock-paper-scissors, and Jensen did a very good job on that with the twirl and the curtain thing YAY :DD
the conversation in the end YES YES the honesty and compassion and
- like early seasons they are on the same side and care about each other even if they are moved by uncontrollable forces both epic and emotional.... YESS

and them talking - sort of - about experiences of basically rape they both had yes yes yes yes - this is groundbreaking, this is SPN, and Winchesters! - This is what I keep pining for !!!!1111 yass1

ETA: Also, and this is really a credit for season 11, I want Cas back, where is Cas, stop not letting us know about Cass!

Seriously, has Dean/Jensen been that vulnerable since Carver even became show runner?
And to SAM??
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(all the people I have not replied to - sorry! These have not been the easies few days....)

I didn't particularly like Eileen - I didn't dislike her, and the actress seems cool - but beyond what the actress brought to the role, mostly all we got was "she's so badass".... I find that so - just - I would have appreciated more. The representation seems to have been good/appreciated, so yay on that, but come on, please, you're Robbie fuckin Thompson, please put more into this ep's characters....??

Mildred made me super uncomfortable - had there not been the thing abou Dean yes being interested, it would have read like nothing more than "old people are gross".... and even that was shaky, fetishized, and I felt was - like the people making this were not exactly sure whether it was a joke or for real ? I'm *sure* she was written to say the opposite, but for me it did not read that way .... and again, badass = very boring characterization, problematic to connect with etc.....

I never connected with Alex, I only connected with Clair on her first ep (mostly), nd I kinda try to like Jody, it's not that I dislike her, but again, I like the actress, could do with more characterization....

After the new ep is definitely would not want the Wayward Daughters theoretical spinoff....
I've watched the new ep a second time instead of sleeping to make sure - I didn't miss some awesome goodness, but it is just so badly written and just .... no....

Am I really the only person who feels this way?
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[brief mention of bloodplay, sex, idk]

Cas, imagine you walk into the Bunker’s kitchen, and there are Dean and Sam kissing like there's nothing else in the world! And they look up at you and kinda smile, Dean does that eyebrow thing and Sam looks both vulnerable and ravenous, and they say - get in here, Cas, we’ll show you a sandwich you can still enjoy - in that situation, what are you doing?

what what )
citrusjava: (Default)
Cas, imagine you walk into the Bunker’s kitchen, and there are Dean and Sam kissing like there's nothing else in the world! And they look up at you and kinda smile, Dean does that eyebrow thing and Sam looks both vulnerable and ravenous, and they say - get in here, Cas, we’ll show you a sandwich you can still enjoy - in that situation, what are you doing?

what what )
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There is a notion, in '70's feminism, that I find still very relevant ATM, that says - women don't have to be strong, tough, ass kicking superheros to be awesome, or to deserve to be valued. A lot of things that are culturally connected with women are often devalued in our societies, and that is not justified. Things like care, encouragement, loyalty, empathy, bubbliness - they shouldn't be required from women, but people who have those, who give those, can be amazing.

For me, a lot of Donna's character is about that, especially juxtaposed with Jody. Donna cares about relationships, and puts a lot of heart and care into them. She notices. She allows her vulnerability to show. She will be there for you, she will save you a seat, she will do the annoying thankless little things that make a convention work. She's smart, and doesn't seem to pay much attention to that. She sees people and gives them a lot, does a lot of emotional work and nurturing
S he so deserves to be treasured. Not for being able to kick a vampire's ass, that is not what makes her awesome.

In 11x07 I would say most of Donna's awesome didn't show. It is typical of these writers, I won't get into my rant about them writing everybody at their shallow worst (Sam would *not* call Donna that, no). For me, that was a significant part of why this episode did not so much work for me.

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I finally got myself to a place with enough emotional space to watch 11x06 after a few rough days at home.

That moment they open that deemon's shirt and look at - that is - long long look - and some significance - and I was truly trying to understand whether they were looking at his nipple? His bruised nipple because....? torture? bdsm?

I was truly considering the option that Winchester Bros were, in canon, deeply and lengthily looking at some guy's nipple
citrusjava: (Default)
Title: Biblically
Character(s): Sam
Words: 125
Warnings: allusions to past torture/rape/psychological abuse, self harm
Spoilers: 11x02
Notes: This is apparently what happens when I try to write just one thing about an episode

Summary: Unclean. In every sense of the word.

People are essentially good. Sam tries to save them, perfect circle of holy fire and they are pure as babies, and they are clean. People are good in nature.

Sam can't afford that sort of move on himself. Sam is unclean. Could never be Sir Galahad. Could never be purified, only by trial, by fire. Nothing ever gets wiped. He hears the voices saying stop, you don’t have to burn your fucking face off. That is how Sam knows not to listen. Demons lie. Angels know the truth and they’ll tell you. You don’t have to burn your face off, bunkbuddy. You’re perfect just the way you are, Sammy, you belong with me. Every time they did it. And Sam knows it to be true.

citrusjava: (Default)
I love, love love love that this episode (this season? From now on? Yes?Yes?) is so full of the unknown, again, I missed that so much from earlier seasons.

The boys are again dealing with unknown powers - so much bigger than they are, powers that might be more horrible than anything they'd faced, might have grace, might have mercy, powers that don't necessarily fit into "good" and "evil" because they probably have their own agendas, their own way of understanding the world....

I love that Sam is hearing voices/seeing visions again - are they from outside of him? Memories? Are they for or against him? The voice calling him not to touch burning oil to his skin - was it compassionate, protecting him? Was it trying to get him to let himself die? And in the same episode, we get Billy (whom I LOVE), with her own complex agendas and perceptions, and knowledge, who knows from where. Threatening to make Sam suffer, also giving him the clue he needed to save himself and all those other people....

I love that religious stuff is back to the show, and that is not a thing I expected to love.... Sam talking with God - like praying as a kid, like Dean praying for Sam two seasons ago - only Dean was making a call and offering a deal, Sam is truly talking with an unknown force, more questions ........

And then the church sending help - and it actually being knowledgeable and with the power to be helpful - but not being very helpful - being very known - with its own agenda and knowledge

and all the angel figurines.... Ilove that something with so much symbolism on the show was so present - this religious or not symbol, that may be 'watching the Winchesters in their sleep' - possibly comforting, possibly terrifying - possibly broken now and not relevant, possibly something else, large, from before time....

ok, i squicked myself a bit
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You probably saw Carver's graceless reaction at ComiCon to fans having issue with Charlie being killed off - particularly form a social justice POV.

In 11x02, (written by Andrew Dabb, same person who wrote the ep Charlie died in), Show said - oh, you don't like that we killed off a woman who's attracted to other women? Here, have another one! 3-2-1-dead!

I can't believe this is a coincidence. It reminds me of that Teen Wolf show runner throwing around his power to remind fans "who's boss".

ETA: Sorry, not Dabb -he wrote the next episode, my mistake!
citrusjava: (Default)
Title: This is not why
Characters: Dean, Sam
Spoilers: 11x02, earlier
Warnings: show level violence, quick and dirty writing

Dean can't take losing Sam again. But that is not why they're staying the hell away from that Regan MacNeil kid.

Sam hadn't felt right for some time, after the cage. Dean had kept explaining it away to himself. No one comes back from hell just right. Probably Sam had been kind enough to look the other way a few times for Dean, when Dean just got back topside. Finding out he'd been lying to himself, about a case, about Sam, that Sam came back wrong, that Sam really was still in hell, Dean's worst nightmare, and Dean was just letting him rot down there, lugging this monster around in his passenger seat across the country - that was a big one for Dean. So yeah, maybe he overstated the 'freak' just a bit .

But that Sam was never evil, not in the hunt-him-down-or-he'll-drink-the-blood-of-your-loved-ones sense. He killed innocents, but wasn't that always the ways, for them.

He chilled Dean to his core, the things he was willing to do, the things Sam was and this thing wasn't. Dean was never meant to be no one's moral compass.

Dean can't say how come Sammy was never a murderous fuck even without his soul. Maybe Sam's used to holding on in order to stay unevil. Maybe it's because Sam is Sam.

But one thing, Dean knows. No way is he allowing Sammy around that Darkness child.

Not because Sam could lose his soul again. Because if Sammy saw what it did to other people, he would never believe he wasn't the same.

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Sam's slow, sad expression when that man burst out calling him a liar, no knee jerk self defense, aggression or even startle, but so many things - sadness, guilt, and acceptance because he knew it as true, and his fault, and a different part of him more alive and persistent that he is going to insist on doing everything to fix it as much as he could.... big open empty sky on his shoulders........

Jared, BB, we see you
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Things I loved:
Huge unknown epic force to deal with, brothers are small and in the, well, dark

The weirdness/grace/darkness/unfathomability of Dean saying "she saved me" - like men being pulled out of dangerous situations, telling mysterious stories they themselves don't understand, but are deeply moved by, even if it is never explained?
(though later it was explained)

I was spoiled re - the sniffing - but that could have maybe been very cool and creepy, a very interesting twist


"You were on a roll" lol
Boys in fields, Impala, show some skin

Cute adorable Christian orgy

Dean so not having the emotional capacity right then to deal with Sam questioning their ways .

That ridiculous '70's zoom on Sam's face when he was trying to get the zombies' attention!

The Cage exists! Also - I don't really feel like a repeat of season 5, but it would make for an interesting fic - with heaven and hell so different now, for those people to be let out....

Things I disliked:
I seriously need Dean to take some responsibility for things he did, and to recognized their influence on Sam, like yesterday. Dean is usually over guilty and too responsible - and Sam, ffs, it is SAM. Please, please.

Killing the people who enjoy the sex why

More women being fridged, more women doing their thing having children dropped in their laps....
are all social services in that world also suddenly zombified?

Things I am petty about:

But Dean adores zombies!

"does she even know what a cheeseburger is" - Dean likes things other than burgers ffs - this is no longer characterization. kindly pick something more interesting.

Things I am immature about:

-Why would I tell you about The Darkness?
-because it's free
-The problem is not monetary, Sam

"You said the spell but I had the mark, so - lock and key?" - so.... Sam.... tops....?

Things I didn't understand

Logic of this episode. Why did they - you know, though - I don't care very much....

" Saving people means all of the people" - ????
citrusjava: (Default)
*casually clicks into Tumblr*
*realizes my mistake*
*raises hands*
Woah, woah, nothing bad needs to happen, we're all friends here, I'm just going to
*backs out carefully with no sharp movements*
*closes tab*
Nothing (new) horribly spoiled.


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March 2017

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