Drabble: You Don't Do it to Forget

[citrusjava]

Title: You don't do it to Forget
Character: Dean
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: Drinking. Written on sleep deprivation. The author's notes include mentions of Dean/Crowley and of Dean/Sam
Spoilers: 10x03 and much earlier (pleaseplease, no future spoilers in the comments)
Summary: And that's not a thing you want to know.

Sometimes you can get so drunk, so drunk, but you don't get happy, and you don't black out, and it doesn't even stop you hurting. It just changes focus, takes one bit of you away and gives you another instead. So for once it's not Dad, it's you storming out, your insides corroding in the things Dad keeps saying and you just need a beer. But a few later you find yourself crying over this chick who dumped you, for telling her that ghosts were real. And even though you'd convinced yourself you're good, and this is better anyway, guys like you just don't have girlfriends - you can't shake it, now that you know.


Or you do shots getting over a chick, and you find yourself smushing your face into the cute bartender's naked thigh, and you're sobbing over the brother you haven't seen in three years, stubble and drool. And the next day you're chugging aspirin to make the world a little less bright, and you remember saying you needed him with you, needed to go get him whether he liked it or not, and that's not a thing you wanted to know.

It's weird like that, booze. Or you wake up the next day and you've been a demon for months.

And you remember saying things about wanting a life of your own.

~

Author's notes: You wake up and you were a demon, and you remember spending months on the gayest bar hop not to include a gay bar. You were a demon, and that doesn't make it OK that your brother tied you up, your baby brother slapped you and grabbed your face like the time he was begging you to kill him, and you just wanted him to shove his fingers in your mouth till you came. You wake up and remember you tried to kill Sam the way he did before he got his soul back, but that's the sort of thing you two figure out, or punch each other over, or make sure you forget . You wake up and you remember dumping the king of hell. And you remember kissing the king of hell, before that. And forever and always, you must at all cost hide the fact that you've known the words to Born this Way, have ever since it was in the charts.

Comments

[citrusjava.livejournal.com]

Aww...
They so did hook up, or at least they both knew it was on the table. Do you supposed Dean would do it cause he knew Crowley expected it, when they were starting out? Perhaps their power struggle is about Dean not putting out, among other things. I insist that I'm not convinced Dean would be invested in emotional/psychological sadism for sadism's sake, I just don't see that in him, but I do believe he might have been playing with Crowley, having sex with other people in his bed intentionally and so forth .

As for your hat, though - would that be in subtext, in canon, in fanon, headcanon or in 'written for fangirls'?

[balder12.livejournal.com]

I insist that I'm not convinced Dean would be invested in emotional/psychological sadism for sadism's sake, I just don't see that in him,

I can see that, because Dean is so immediate and physical in how he relates to the world and the people around him. That kind of subtle cruelty might not even occur to him. But I can also see a way in which it might appeal to demon!Dean, precisely because regular Dean is so sensitive, and hungry for acknowledgment and approval. In a twisted way, knowing you have the power to hurt someone psychologically means knowing you're important to him, that you can't just be forgotten or abandoned. And demon!Dean sure did seem to enjoy the emotional sadism with Cole.

As for your hat, though - would that be in subtext, in canon, in fanon, headcanon or in 'written for fangirls'?

Heh, that was in my personal headcanon, mostly based on the fact that Crowley implied they had a four-way with twins. Now that you've planted the idea in my head, though, I think I prefer the version where they didn't have sex, and Dean was taunting Crowley with something he couldn't have.

[citrusjava.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful and now I want to believe *feels*



I agree that Dean knows, on his own emotions a flesh and scarred scarred psych, a whole lot about emotional suffering, and that it the type that probably gets him the most, that he'd perhaps consider the worst (which is a thing that makes me a bit uncomfortable about the s3 finale, but I suppose that was just an instant of torture, and no one takes well to that, probably, regardless of their feaars and complexity).

I guess I can buy him going the extra mile because it's Sam, and Dean generally wants everything he can have Sam. And yeah, there were times Dean did little cruel things - possibly to cause emotional impact in Sam - some of his condemnations, throwing away the amulet. But those may have been more about expressing Dean's emotional state than finding a way to hurt Sam?

Anyway, I didn' ge the sense (I know, this is not faandom's opinion or the show's depiction) that Dean was seriously intent on seriously harming Sam... - the most shocking part for me was the hammer simply because it reminded me of Cole's hammer - and there I seriously did believe Sam might be maimed.

As for Dean and Cole, though - I can believe, as you said, that Dean would want someone so invested in caring about Dean to be around, doing that, but that is not about enjoying Cole's suffering. I believe Dean *might* enjoy something like having Cole tied up and desperately looping through how much he hates Dean, and is helpless, fails, can't, for a long long while. Dean might even enjoy some Stockholm Syndrome on Cole's part, I believe he does have that sadistic streak of enjoying having someone let go because if him, or winning over someone (remember Lenore's friends?), or effortlessly making someone thrash and flutter in vain, submit, have that sort of emotional connection with Dean. But Dean is emotionally detached enough that I don't get the sense he's enjoy most deep emotional things... and more than that, I just don't know if he'd do it. Have the idea, feel he deserves something like that (IDK that his self esteem issues went away as a demon), actually do the whole thing... his demon existence is very - calm. No drive, perhaps.

Honestly, what this did feel like, just on a sense level - is that the time with Crowley was just self destructive in an "I don't even care enough to be properly self destructive, I'll just wait for it to end" sort of way, but also without completely meaning that, I get the feeling he wanted Sam to put in the effort and save Dean and show him Sam does care. Sounds like Dean's been bitching to Crowley about Sam not looking for him, for a girl, again, and the "I lied" probably didn't take away the smarting of the "I wouldn't do the same for you"). And the whole "no, I really am evil" bullshit in the car was more about testing Sam.

You could say that I don't see how evil he is/was because I/we have so much history with Dean and trust him, but yeah, Dean's done horrible things as a human, that he han't as a demon seriously, and - you know, when you trust someone so much, in some ways it might be easier for them to disappoint you?

there was not a moment I remember in this entire thing where I was "fuck, this is serious". The "it's just a car" made me do that "no he didn't" 'shock and delight' face, I was glad they remembered to include her.... and not saving Sam - come on, even human Dean could have done that - say, pissed off at Samand knowing Sam could/would probably get out easily, not wanting to play into things and see him (could be Sam's doing, too), and just being glad that was going to keep Sam busy and give Dean time to get away? I believe he could have done that.
Perhaps we'll get those later, if the mark acts up enough.

He was a bubbly demon, his main cruelty was being emotionally detached and unavailable. I like that it is so much like John, and I am curious to see/read/write about him wanting a life of his own, perhaps it's time fo that plot. It might break my heart if they write it in canon, but there should be a long, slow fic about Dean realizing that he does want that, as human. Canon has given us much to work with .It's time.