citrusjava

Title: That's What We Do
Author:

citrusjava
Rating: gen
Characters: Sam and Dean
Spoilers: 10x16
Warnings: Mentions of canonical violence and unpermanent death

Summary: So believe in this

The worst thing that ever happened to Sam was Dean going to hell because of Sam.
Spent months crazy - why didn't he spend every moment researching? How could he let Dean make peace with going to hell? Maybe if somehow he didn't believe in it it wouldn't have happened....

He didn't even get to break Dean out - and it isn't as if he's not thankful to Cas, every moment less for Dean to spend there was everything - but Sam lost his brother, and never really got him back. Never got himself back, either.

When Dick Roman exploded and it was up to Sam to figure it out, he just couldn't. Couldn't face it, got in the car and drove and drove - just to feel like he was doing something, to feel like he was getting away, couldn't screw up that sort of responsibility again. The Winchester equivalent of staying in bed, hugging your own legs, for months. It was the logical thing to do, it was what people do. You can't really change something like that. Your brother having died. You break apart. You mourn. You heal. You are never the same. You live. Cause that's all you've got. That's what healthy people do. But Winchesters aren't healthy people.

After Metatron Sam would - Sam would sell his soul - would - just to not go through that, not to have this inhuman responsibility again - you're a horrible person if you can' t change the ways of heaven and hell for your brother - Sam would have sold his soul, would have succeeded just this once, being the brother Dean truly loved, his brother from all those years ago.

Crowley took away Sam's chance to do that. And Sam went a bit crazy.

Now Dean says things like the first time. Just wants to live his life till he can't anymore. Sammy's gotta support that. Sure Dean's not giving up. Sure.

Sam holds back from falling apart, wild eyed with desperation and fear. Dean's saying it all again. It's all happening again and Sam will be holding Dean's torn up body again and it will be all on Sam

Can't let that happen again. If only Gabe were alive this time to kick his ass to beg to. Can't.

So Sam tries to read every website. Twice.

AN: There are 205,000 results for the Mark on Google, once you omit the movie and the band, and Supernatural. Just another note re 10x15, I'll pretend that was not literal/their world has fewer/"search the web" must just be a less effective search engine