Purity is discussed in this season by both Dean and Sam.

Sam talks about his deep need to become pure of his imperfections. The most important part of that is, perhaps, to be good enough to be approved of and seen as a person by Dean. Loved for his own self, rather than as someone to take care of. Seems that Sam believes Dean doesn't love him in that way, because Sam doesn't deserve it. As de_nugis pointed out too, Dean doesn't give Sam a reason to think otherwise. Sam first confesses this at the church, to whatever deity. Later he confesses the same to Dean - who, for all he refused to a tool of heaven, sure developed clear moral ideas and expectations of Sam. And to Sam, growing up with this glowing, strong, self assured, beloved big brother, for all he doesn't know it - Dean is perhaps as close to a deity as he gets.

Dean talked about purity as well, mostly in the beginning of the season. To Dean, purgatory was pure. This can be read as merely an expression of things being black and white there, easy, with no moral dilemmas . If so, it should be asked how come, in this blessedly black and white setting, Dean decided to cross the line and become close to a vampire. Perhaps it somehow allowed it? Regardless, there's maybe another way of seeing this purity.

Purgatory is built almost exactly in accordance with glorified reports of WWII as a purely masculine space, in which men can closely bond in a way unmarred by sex and not disturbed by women*. In which men can revert to their true masculine form, discover what they're really made of, and kill plenty of monsters.

Perhaps to Dean, like Sam, purity is being worthy of love, to him by John? Perhaps being a soldier, like John was, killing monsters daily and without qualms, like perhaps John seemed to demnad, was a way of finally being what Dean imagines John wanted?

For all Dean is a baddass, he is not traditionally masculine in every way. He is vulnerable, at times soft. He is pretty. He is loving, sensitive, and often wears his heart on his sleeve. Even the way he allows himself to express delight is not manly. He takes care of people - which may have been appreciated by John when directed at Sam and himself, but perhaps less as a simple characteristic. At least, in the way Dean imagines what John would appreciate. In many ways, Dean is not a good example of traditional masculinity. He must know this. It's probably the reason for a lot of his overcompensation.

It makes sense that Dean makes such an effort to be "a real man", cause that's what he believes John wanted of him. What is was, perhaps, supposed to grow into by then, but hasn't because of some inner flaw . What he's supposed to be, to be worthy of being a person. Just like Sam towards Dean. Perhaps to Dean, becoming pure and worthy means scrubbing off the places in which he is not masculine enough.

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*By the way, this resonates in a lot of SPN. For example - the tropes of women connected with this? The pure, incorporeal concept, often of a caretaker (like Mary, early Anna), the evil bitch (crossroads demon, Lilith and many others), the sweetheart at home who gets close to no characteristics and is not part of anyone's life (Lisa, perhaps Jess), and random one-night stands.

Told a friend I'd been looking at old recs, and a lot of the stories are gone. Told her about a particular author I'd have loved to be able to tell how meaningful her work was to me, who had disappeared from lj and from fandom.
.
Friend: Perhaps she started publishing, and is denying her past in porn?
Me *snort*: Well, then how have I not stumbled upon any secret society for her new stuff? I'd want to read it. Even if it wasn't porn.
Friend: Perhaps she died?
Me (horrified): I doubt it! so many people left, and not even to other fandoms, they're just gone. I don't understand it. But I doubt they all died.
Friend: Oh no! Someone is taking you guys out, one by one!
Me: The rival secret society!

Will soon be headed out for the second Amanda Palmer tribute we're doing. There are still changes being made to the performance as we speak, and we only had two rehearsals. Short ones. One of the people playing with me has not been to a single rehearsal, I fucking hope it goes alright. I tell myself if I fuck up, it's encouragement to other people to go on stage and make noise and be awesome - cause if I can fuck up and survive it, they should also try. Like bikini Kill. Being awesome and saying grab instruments and go on stage! Or just go on stage! Shout and be awesome! Or just shout!

Freaking out - but decidedly less . I'm trying to enjoy this, and yeah - for sure I am excited, and tired, and a bunch of other feelings along with the fear - which maybe I will get along with better tonight. Need to remember the VERY most important thing to me is to try to feel whatever I feel.

I love the song, and our interpretation of it. Will be singing Melody Dean, to me - about the Stanford Era, cause I want it to be - perhaps more about that later...

Slutwalk. Got a ride there with a bunch of feminists, spent it playing I Never, sharing personal stuff, trying to play the raunchiest feminist songs on the ukelele (first time I ever tried to play one, I think), cheesily flirting with each other, talking about the differences between the waves of feminism, and trying to find cheap, vegan, gluten-free food.

You know, like the Winchesters and Jack Kerouac.

Awesome road trip.

It was too cold and too unsafe to wear my I Love Queer Porn shirt, so I was a covered up slut this time. Hugged a lot of people. Said no to a hug I didn't want, which was really hard to do. Heard a heartfelt, touching cover of Barbie Girl, sung on a megaphone cause we had no mic. Got harassed, cause of course, and everyone got pushed around a little by the police, just to make sure we remembered who was in charge.


It's so meaningful to me that this year, with new organizers, the Slutwalks made a point of being (way more) inclusive. The organizers made a point of inviting people from a whole lot of groups to write short pieces about it, from their standpoint . so many women, so many survivors, so many people I wanted to hear from - genderqueer, crip, asexual, immigrant, fat, people of different races and ages, trans, femme, butch, people living in rural areas, prostitutes, people in BDSM, mothers, heterosexual, cisgender, white, male, gay, lesbian, pansexual, polyamorous. And not even "one of each", I think they just included whoever wanted to write or talk, as well as personally asking people to talk. It came out real awesome, and was what made me want to go.

And sure, there's more to be desired. Not everyone could participate, and that is a big deal. But it is so much better than most feminist events I've been to, which are so often only about women from the strongest social groups. I want to set this at the new standard for events.

I'm so hungry to hear about all these people's different experiences, when they're things I am ignorant about, and to hear people actually saying stuff I so desperately need heard, when it's stuff I know too well myself.

I've been catching up on some Smallville, cause Jensen, and thought I'd share some of the slashy prettiness. Caps aren't the best quality, but hopefully fun. Pretty heavy. This is only from the first 9 episodes of season 4 (have only watched that far), but there are some vague spoilers for them.



( Slashier than I expected )