Playing with things our way, reclaiming them, sometimes feminizing them (whatever that means) - particularly things made for boys...

The original(?) story is cool too, click to read.

The thing about me a current SPN Canon is this: There are not a lot of characters I can identify with anywhere, and particularly not on TV. That's really very rare. And I strongly identify with both Sam and Dean.

So I'm invested in what happens to them, not just because I love them, but also cause I'm sorta waiting to find out from this tale - how do people like me end up? What happens to us? And yeah, I realize it's a bad idea. And yeah, a bad ending would be heartbreaking. But there seriously aren't any, nearly any stories like that - how could I stop listening, not care? It's like finding your first gay character, in all the stories. You're gonna cling to it even if it's a horrible, bigoted representation - probably


The thing is, for seasons now I'm listening pretty intently, waiting to hear - how they deal with things, what the consequences are and so forth. What can be expected, where choices lead. What somebody else thinks about these things, some creator who perhaps experienced something of that too, perhaps knows things I don't... just has other perspectives... something!

One option not available, is going out of character, "being someone else".I'm waiting for news from the boys I love, the guys I identify with. I wanna know what they do to deal with things. Even just - their trauma, guilt, mental issues, loss, addiction, economic state, isolation, social status and so forth... pegging that as "too depressing" is horrible. It's saying "if you have that many problems, just go ahead and give up on life". People live with bad things, people deal with bad things. And it can include fun and banter and brotherly slashiness - that's what Show's *always* given us, the boys dealing with things too big while supporting each other and sometimes having a good balance with fun. I need to hear about how my boys deal/dealt with it. How they got where they are, wherever that is... There''s no indication of how or why they got where they are...

- OMG, I got an amazing bunch of caring, interesting, thoughtful comments. You guys... it means so much to me <3

- In mystery/whodoneit AUs, it's always gonna be Tom Welling or Jessica Alba, huh?
"Is it gonna be James Marsters this time? He's really creepy... Nah, no way it's Spike. Everybody loves Spike, not betting on that".

-Youtube started offering me Dean/Cas vids. I need to take a long, hard look at my life.

- Everyone always talks about Jensen's boyband years. But with this haircut, and good boy smile - I give you Jared, the boyband years. Or, as I'd rather think of them - Sam's boy band years.


( I shouldn't like this. But I do. Happy people and drag.  )

This is for nagasasu 's promt, and is part of the December Days meme. If you feel like it, you can prompt me too, here. Images aren't mine - linking back to where they're from.
[this is personal and intimate information. Read on only if you are comfortable being exposed to that, and if you appreciate and respect me sharing that, please.]


A few months ago, I realized I have this major thing for Praise Kink, which at the time was even more mind blowing to me, because it was a non-sexual thing. It was this new realization and it really rattled me. I walked around for a while in a constant state of being mind blown. How could this move me so deeply? How could I not have known, not even have imagined needing this?



It was somewhat like the first time I was (role play only) kissed by a guy as a guy. Then I went around for a couple of days just burning with it, feeling like I owned the world, and like I wanted to gobble it all up. It was life changing. But then it was sexual. I was turned on, in love with my own theoretical dick, I suddenly understood all those jackass guys who consider their cock the best thing in creation.




This was a lot like that, but it wasn't sexual. It was this big need, revelation. I kept thinking about it, experiencing it, craving it. I was (extremely) lucky to have a partner willing to give it a try, and that was amazing. And I was also very lucky to have a friend to talk it over with (you know who you are - thank you :)) . It seriously didn't go smoothly, plenty of misunderstandings and bumps in the road. And because it meant so much to me, and because I'm apparently more sensitive than I used to be, those hurt a lot.



It's still a thing I'm figuring out and exploring, but the major need for it has subsided. It somehow became more about subbing - a need I've kinda touched upon in the past, but never got to explore, I was almost always a Dom, and while I did is partially out of curiosity, as something fun or sexy, and to a small extent because it answered some need in me - generally I did it as a nice thing for other people. That was probably not the very best idea for me, I'm not good enough at being in touch with my own needs and boundaries to be safe doing that. And the people I played with didn't realize as a Dom I still needed to be safe and needed to be cared for. It's not an easy thing to do, though, I admit.


I like not having to Dom, though I believe that I do have that drive in me. Wanting to take someone apart and find out what's inside, wanting to get them in touch with their vulnerability, to get to see all that beauty, get them in touch with their pain, and make it better, to whatever extent I can, in a session, wanting to sooth, wanting to have things my way with out having to worry about every little thing (which is bullshit, Domming is all about exactly that, in many cases), wanting to know how to do something well, to have clear rules, clear communication about what works, how and why, wanting to feel in control, perhaps, though I believe it's more about my need to please, to do well, to get things right .





Subbing is a need I certainly feel, these days. It has to do with how helpless I feel most of the time, probably. My need to be reassured, to allow myself to be weak, unable, to be loved when I'm seriously not strong. It also probably has to do with reclaiming sexual violence for my own, as something - as sort of a way to make it better, to fix it...

And it's a way to get the negotiation, communication, legitimacy to say no, mutual attentiveness and carefulness that I need in any sexual/non-sexual such encounter, but is harder for me to insist on in "regular" sex. Not that I really have any of that, anymore.



I've recently started dating someone, and though I like her and am attracted to her, I found that I seriously don't want to actually have sex. Perhaps it's cause it's just a touchy subject for me. I've been assaulted several times, and in addition, I just wasn't aware that I "was allowed to" say no to sex I didn't actively want, "just because" of my feelings. Still working on that. I feel a little uncomfortable writing about that, because it takes my experiences away from me. It's such a stereotype, and I'm not sure the cliches are right about me. I need my experiences to stay belonging to me, and not be co-opted for either side of the pro/anti sex wars. Perhaps for other reasons.




Regardless, I've been wondering whether I want sex-sex at all. I don't know, not sure. I like some things, mostly making out things, though some of them are more sensual than sexual. But not only, that I know for sure. And I like them perhaps only with people I'm very very close with. ATM, there's no one I'd feel comfortable touching me sexually beyond that. And as for penetration - I asked myself about it, and the thought of never ever having to be penetrated again made me so happy and turned on I masturbated to it. Sharing this cause it amuses me. Don't know whether I'll always feel that way, but that isn't as relevant - feeling that way now/.




I wondered whether perhaps I was asexual after all, but from what I've read on AVEN, it's not about wanting or not wanting to have actual sex, but about being o not being sexually attracted to anyone. And I am definitely attracted to people, I just don't seem to want to have sex with them. Someone on the forums described it as the difference between enjoying the smell of coffee and wanting to actually drink coffee. I get that with croissants and fresh bread and popcorn. They smell so amazing, but I mostly don't enjoy eating them. Definitely not as much as I imagine enjoying them when i smell them. Not sure I'm writing off the asexuality thing, I definitely feel I'm *something*, but perhaps for now I need to figure out more what I feel and need ...

It's so cold. It's awesome and also sucks.


It's so weird, I can't eat the vegetables I'm used to, cause they're freezing cold, and it makes my stomach ache. And I doubt my cucumbers and tomatoes will still be themselves after a round with the microwave :)
Oh well. I can't drink water cause it's so cold, and i can't bring myself to make warm things. Which makes me kinda miserable ATM.


I do love winter. Love it when it's raining, love going outside, the thrill of cold on my skin when I'm still feeling warm, love love love puddles, trees reflecting in puddles and leaves from those treas inside them, love the fresh air after it rains, and love the smell of rain. So many things.

GF got me a guava, love those so much :)

My clothes don't usually last beyond a season, and I wasn't expecting it to suddenly become really cold again, so I didn't have winter clothes ready. Yesterday I braved the rain in my sandals and tank top, and a very cute, pink, Hello Kitty umbrella I got GF last year - to try and get winter clothes. So many strangers made comments, thinking it was their place, or funny, or IDK. The store wasn't stocked, so they didn't have my size, and the other store I found wanted literally five times the price for clothes I didn't really like either. Ended up getting some shirts that don't exactly fit me, but are soft and nice and cozy. Didn't have it in me to go get socks and slippers .

Last night GF and I snuggled so much, snuggling is so great... :)

And Christmas reminds me of this song, which reminds me of this cute fic in which Snape slowly comes to terms with a deep dark desire to wear women's underwear. Adorable. Not a lot of cute, mostly-happy songs about trans things.

Huh, now the coast is clear of Linda Tran to be alive after all. And glorious she would be.

This is for glovered. I wrote a huge, thought-through serious post about whether or not it's my place to write about Rufus at all, and about the way SPN treats characters who aren't white men. I'll spare you that post.


Doing some research for this post made me more fond of Rufus. At first, it was more like when you meet someone's new boyfriend, and you're happy for them, and you're nice, and you don't ask embarrassing questions even when you're really bored, but you just don't get the appeal. I feel that way about almost all minor SPN characters before season 8.

He's tough and has that twinkle in his eyes – which seems to be the basic characterization of most minor characters the writers couldn't be bothered to invest in. It's nice, there's potential, but SPN didn't do much with it, unless I missed something important (which seriously may be the case, there are episodes I only watched once, before getting into fandom). As it is, I was never that interested, particularly not compared to fascinatingly developed characters like the Winchersters. Seriously, the guy's cabin appeared in way more episodes than the man himself, based on Superwiki.

Like with most minor SPN characters, this can be significantly different for me in fic. Because bless fandom. I can't say I've read it a lot, or even seen much around, but taking that tough, charming guy and looking into his history and psychology, what motivates him, his relationship with Bobby, definitely has potential. I'd check out a show about Rufus and Bobby doing the monster hunting road trip thing, fighting about music, living in motel rooms, drinking and griping at each other. For sure. That could be *awesome*. Better still if Bobby were still in that wheel chair. Even a fic about the weird things the guys found while living in his cabin could be interesting.

After I wrote this I decided to check, and yeah, could hardly find any Rufus fic at all. And now that I've thought about it, I want them. Along with all the Meg and Missouri not out there. And John/Team Free Will. Have to admit, though, I am mostly interested in Sam and Dean in fic, though. It's weird, I'm used to being interested in fic about the most minor characters. For whatever reason, in SPN I love the main characters, and am pretty monogamous, on top of that.

Just a quick rec - go look at the pretty by Vongue.
Sam/Dean, shotgunning, bike, leather jacket. Hot.